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Collected Dog Humor - Lists

Most of this was collected off the AcmePet Dog House Board. Original authors are mostly unknown, if you know who wrote something, please tell me! Credit is given when known. 

Show Dogs Aren't Like Pets

Posted by Bravehart on November 15, 1998 at 13:30:40:

Show dogs aren't like pets

Pets shed. . . . . . . . . Show dogs "blow coat"

Pets are in heat. . . . . .Show dogs come "into season"

Pets trot. . . . . . . . . Show dogs "gait" or "move"

Pets stand. . . . . . . . .Show dogs "stack"

Pets get baths. . . . . . .Show dogs are "groomed"

Pets beg for food. . . . . Show dogs "express desire for bait"

Pets jump the fence. . . . Obedience dogs "have natural jumping ability"

Pets poop. . . . . . . . . Obedience dogs "toilet"

Pets bark at other dogs. . Obedience dogs "show excitement before showing"

Pets chew up the trash. . .Obedience dogs "show a natural tendency for scent articles" 

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11 Reasons Why Dogs Don't Drive

Posted by Sasha (great name) A. Dalmatian on August 06, 1998 at 02:24:00:

10. Keep wanting to fetch the 'stick shift'

9. Have not yet invented 'squished cat' hood ornaments

8. There's never a fire hydrant when you need one on those long road trips

7. Much more sophisticated to use a well-trained human chauffeur

6. They haven't invented a car where you can hang your head out the window and still reach the gas pedal

5. Can't get your learner's permit until you're 14! That's 98 in dog years!

4. Cats would just learn to use the pedestrian overpasses anyway.

3. No oposable thumbs mean we can't use the 'drive-up' banking machines

2. Saw that Herbie movie as a young pup and are still scared of cars

1. Could never ever live with the guilt of running over Uncle Rover while he was chasing the car! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Posted by evy on August 06, 1998 at 03:26:00:

 it takes too long to get somewhere when you have to stop the car at every tree!! 

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How You Know Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dogs

Posted by 4Paws on December 01, 1998 at 15:10:57:

The top 10 ways you know that Martha Stewart is stalking your dog:

10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from his/her collar.

9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.

8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.

6. That telltale lemon slice in his/her new silver water bowl.

5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of his/her crate.

2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted sweater with matching boots.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS...

1. The dog droppings in your back yard have been sculpted into swans.
 
 

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You Know You're A Dog Person When.....

Posted by Jan M on December 10, 1998 at 14:22:13:

You know you are a Dog Person IF: 

1. You read a newspaper article by pieces in the front yard and don't think there's anything strange about doing this.

2. Your dog brings a dead bird/squirrel into the kitchen and generously gives it to you with a big smile. You say "For me? Thank you." and take it for granted it is just another day.

3. City officials come to your home and say "Your dogs are barking." And you can't figure out what the problem is.

4. You buy a $20.00 stuffed toy and within an hour you find toy stuffing all over the yard. You and the dogs bow your heads in silent prayer. 

5. You use your down payment for a new van to have cataract surgery on your old dog and drive the van you have for 3 more years. (What good is a new van if she can't see out the window?)

 6. You look at every poop in your yard before you pick it up making your neighbors think you are weird. (What is even better is the looks on their faces when you stuff the really fresh doodie into a plastic bag for safe keeping until you can get to the vet's.)

 7. You wake in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and your feet hit a wet spot. You look at the dog in bed with you and he looks at you like "Not me!...Must have been one of the other dogs."

 8. Your friends invite you to a fun night out at the dinner theater and you say no because you would rather be home grooming your dogs. Or the new subscription from a dog magazine came and you want to read it.

 9. And after 3 and a half hours of grooming you let that beautiful creature out to go potty before bedtime and he turns and looks back at you, all clean and pretty, he smiles a little smile that warms your heart so deeply that words can never say. A picture you will remember forever. When the dog comes back in you realize he has been rolling in the dead bird/squirrel you thought you carefully buried that morning.

 10. On your Christmas list to 'Santa' you only want crooks, whistles, jumps, doggie sweater, doggie 'gum ball machine', a place to have sheep, and oh yes, the sheep.

 11. On your 1040 form all your charitable donations are to Humane Societies, Shelters and Rescue groups.

 12. Last, but not least, you are on an email list with other dog people and each one of them feels like more than family.

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How Southerners pronounce breeds.

Posted by Puppy Luv on August 09, 1998 at 03:59:55:

(It's a joke - don't take offense)

German Shepherd--Poh-leece Dawg

Poodle--Circus Dawg

St. Bernard--Thank Gawd, Here Comes the Whiskey Dawg

Doberman--Bad A** Dawg, or Dobimin Pincher

Beagle--Rabiit Dawg

Rottweiler--Bad A** and Mean As He** Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

Yellow Lab--Ol' Yeller Dawg

Black Lab--Duck Fetchin' Dog

Greyhound--Greased Lightnin' Dawg

Malinois--Another type of Poh-leece Dawg

Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.--Prized Coon Dawgs

Pekinese--Mop Dawgs

Chinese Crested--Nekkid Dawg

Dachsund--Wienie Dawg

Siberian Huskey--Sled Pullin' Dawg

Bouvier, Komodor--"What the He** Kinda Dawg is That?"

Great Dane, Mastiff--Danged BIG Dawg

And dog that raids the henhouse--Egg-sucking Dawg

And lazy dog--Good fer nothin' Dawg

And dog that's died and been buried--Best danged Dawg I ever had. 

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Virtual Fetch
By Buffalo Gal
(She's got a great site, check it out!)

NT Dog: Will fetch the stick in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Dog: It fetched the stick years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Dog: The dog looks a little different, but it's still the same old dog.

Microsoft Dog: (TM) It's already got the stick. And it just bought the forest.

Mac Dog: No reasonable dog owner would want a dog to fetch a stick, so there's no way to tell it to.

OOP Dog: It doesn't need to fetch the stick, it just sends a message.

Assembler Dog: First it builds the stick ...

C++ Dog: The dog wouldn't have to fetch the stick, you'd simply refer to it.

VB Dog: Stick!ToCarry.back (adog)

Java Dog: If your stick needs to be fetched by a dog, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are pupletts)

Web Dog: Dials in, grabs the stick, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Dog: Tried to get the stick, but got flattened by the Web Dog.

Hypertext Dog: Links you to the stick

Spam Dog: Automatically sends a copy of the stick to 50 unrelated newsgroups at the same time.

PlugIn Dog: Refuses to fetch the stick until you have downloaded yet another program.

Binary Dog: It's only 1's and 0's

Packet Dog: Brings the stick in chunks

Router Dog: Tells the Packet Dog where to take the stick

DOS Dog: The stick was not found. Keep looking? Y/N

Shockwave Dog: After an unbearably long wait, you get to see a swell movie of itself fetching the stick.

Mosaic Dog: Will fetch the stick to almost anybody

Netscape Dog: When it's not framed, the best d*mned retriever in the field.

ISDN Dog: Wanna see it again?

Listserv Dog: A copy of the stick has been delivered to all the recipients of the list {158}

Finger Dog: Will bring the stick directly to YOU.

Flame Dog: Gets the stick, chews it into little pieces, and then bites you.

IRC Dog:"Hi" 
FETCHES 
"Hello" 
"Is anybody here?"
THE
"I'm here"
STICK
"Hi"
BUT
"Hello"
NOBODY
"Gotta go"
CAN
"Bye"
"Goodbye"
FIND
"So long"
IT
"Is anybody here?"

Al Gore Dog: Waiting for completion of NFI (Nation Fetching Infrastructure) and will fetch as soon as it's finished, assuming he's elected and the Republicans don't gut the program.

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Crazy Crossbreeds

This joke is everywhere with many variations, so I have tried to combine the lists I've found. Many of these, but not all, are from Katzai's Dog Breed Page, and Monterey Memorial Park







Airedale x Malamute = Airmal, litters that go first class 

Airedale X Spaniel = Airel, a dog that brings in good TV reception 

Akita x Shiba Inu = SHIKITA, a bright yellow, banana shaped dog

Basenji X Schipperke = Baserke, a dog that's mad about its owner

Bloodhound X Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Bloodhound X Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Boxer X German Shorthair = Boxer Shorts, a dog never seen in public 

Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed 

Cairn Terrier x Jack Russell Terrier = Cairjack, can never find him when you have a flat tire 

Chihuahua X Whippet = Chiapet, order from TV ads; 3 for $19.95 

Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiler = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband 

Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work 

Collie X Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end 

Great Pyrenees X Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed 

Great Pyrenees x Jack Russell Terrier = Pyrajacks, don't bet on 'em

Harrier x Pit Bull = Hairy Pits, found throughout Europe 

Highland Terrier x Jack Russell Terrier = Hijack, gets you in trouble on airplanes 

Irish Water Spaniel X English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle 

Jack Russell Terrier x Labrador = Jackdor, falls out windows trying to fly 

Keeshond X Setter = Keester, you can't get this dog off its duff 

Kerry Blue Terrier X Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Kerry Blue Terrier X Bloodhound = Blueblood, a favorite with the upper crust in Society

Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists 

Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway 

Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Pekingese X Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog 

Pekingese X Dachshund = Peking Dach, owned by Chinese restranteurs

Pekinese x Rottweiler = Parrot, repeats everything you say 

Pointer X Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Poodle X Great Pyrenees = Poopyree, a dog that smells good 

Pyrenees x Akita = PYRAKITA, a small brightly-colored South American dog that can be finger-trained, as well as trained to talk

Saluki x Shitzu = Suzuki, goes for miles on a gallon of gas 

Scotch Terrier x Water Spaniel = Scotch & Water, served throughout England (as opposed to watered scotch, served throughout the USA) 

Smooth Fox Terrier X Chow Chow = Smooch, a dog who loves to kiss 

Spaniel x Dachshund = Spandachs, in gyms everywhere 

Spitz X Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes 

Wiener Dog x Rottweiler = BRATWEILER, a German dog found at the snack bars at sporting events

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