"Walkn' in A Doggie Wonderland"

Dogs tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."

 Oh you better watch out,
You better not growl,
You better not bark,
You better not howl,
Santa Claws is coming to town....

 He knows when you are staying,
He knows when 'ur on a down,
He knows where you've been pissin'
So you better be a very good hound,

 Oh you better be quiet,
You better not beg,
You better not bite,
Or hump a strange leg,
Santa Claws is coming to town....

 He know if you're butt sniffin",
He knows what you've chewed up,
He knows if you've been eatin' turds,
So you better be a pretty good pup,

 He's makin a list,
Checkin it twice,
He wants know why,
We have so many mice,
Santa Claws is coming to town......

 Oh you bettern not chase,
You better not shed,
You better not whine, 
And stay out of my bed,
Santa Claws is coming to town.....

 HO HO HO
Keeter 

 Holiday Etiquette for Dogs

 1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

 2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

 3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

 4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
- don't pee on the tree
- don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
- mind your tail when you are near the tree
- if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
- don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

 5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
- not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
- don't eat off the buffet table
- beg for goodies subtly
- be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
- don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
- observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
- respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
- tolerate children
- turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. 
DON'T BITE HIM!!

 Author Unknown 

Posted by LA Jo on December 23, 1998 at 12:32:19:
Here's another one I ran across. Thought everyone might enjoy.

 Gift Wrapping With A Puppy

 1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.

 2. Get tape back from puppy.

 3. Remove scissors from older chow's mouth.

 4. Open box.

 5. Take puppy out of box.

 6. Remove tape from older chow's mouth.

 7. Take scissors away from puppy.

 8. Put present in box.

 9. Remove present from puppy's mouth. 10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.

 11. Take scissors from older chow & sit on them.

 12. Remove puppy from box & put on lid.

 13. Take tape away from older chow.

 14. Unroll paper.

 15. Take puppy OFF box.

 16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting the way as she "helps".

 17. Let puppy tear paper remaining to be cut.

 18 Take puppy off box.

 19. Wrap paper around box.

 20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from her mouth.

 21. Tell older chow to hold tape so he will stop stealing it.

 22. Take scissors away from puppy.

 23. Take tape older chow is holding.

 24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older chow & sitting on them again.

 25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.

 26. Take bow from older chow. 27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.

 28. Take scissors from older dog chow took them when you got up.

 29. Give pen to older chow to hold so he stops licking your face.

 30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.

 31. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.

 32. Take pen from older chow, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.

 33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put away.

 34. Clean up mess puppy & older chow made playing tug-of-war with roll of wrapping paper.

 35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell chows what good helpers they are.

 Author ????

And, #36 by Den's Mom:
DOG HAIR - Dog hair in the tape, dog hair in the box, dog hair on the gift, static holding dog hair on the wrapping paper, dog hair sticking out of the bow.... dog hair... everywhere... 

(Sung to the tune of Willie Nelson's "Blue Eyes Crying In the Rain")

In the winter light I see it
Brown things sitting on the snow
Everywhere my doggie's wandered
Shining with a golden glow
Wilbur's not real fond of winter
It's so hard to make him go
Still I know I'll see till springtime
Dog poop sitting on the snow...

You can hold the applause. ;-)

Shags yawned as he stretched and rolled over. The fire was crackling and his family was asleep upstairs. He liked watching the lights on the tree twinkle and reflect on all the shiny objects that hung from it. "Yes," he thought to himself, "I am a very lucky Sheepie."

 Normally, Shags slept next to Amelia. Her father would push her chair to the bottom of the stairs, then carry her to her room and tuck her in. Shags waited patiently until this process was completed before taking his "position" on the bed. Amelia's father always gave Shags a quick butt scratch and reminded him to take care of "our girl" before leaving the room. This was the time of day Shags loved the most. Amelia would scratch his  head and tell him her dreams, sometimes through tears--dreams of dancing, skating, playing or even just walking. Shags tried his best to
comfort Amelia by softly licking her fingers or very quietly whimpering, just a little, to let her know he understood. He wished he could tell her how much he loved her, as she told him, every night, just before they drifted off to sleep.

Tonight was different, though. After Amelia's mom and dad went to bed, Shags quietly stole downstairs to wait. This was his fourth Christmas with Amelia and her family, but he only
started remembering his arrival this past year. He remembered that before he was Amelia's, there was no one to love him. He wandered the streets of the city with his buddies, looking for food
 and shelter. Neither of those things came easy. One day, while Shags was off sniffing around on his own, a man approached him. Shags was not afraid of humans like the others were, and so he allowed this man to get close. The next thing he knew, there was a cord around his neck and he
was being put into a truck.

He was unloaded at a place where there were lines of cages, some of them held old friends and acquaintances. He was placed in a cage with another dog of no particular lineage, who was very old and very tired. "What is this place?" asked Shags. The no particular dog explained the place to
him, which really didn't sound all that bad until the last sentence was uttered: "They keep you until someone comes for you or your time is up, whichever comes first." This did not sound good.
As days came and went, people would walk down the aisle to choose a pet. Shags always tried to look friendly and willing to learn. It was not easy, though, with so much matted and dirty fur. He did not even have a tail to wag! "Oh, I'm doomed," thought Shags. "This is not good" he thought to himself. Shags' time was up two days later. As he walked down the aisle, listening to the others wish him well, something strange happened. A big man with a long white beard appeared before him and said, "This here big fellow is greatly needed, so I'll be taking him with me." He was fed, doctored and cleaned up, but the details of that are fuzzy. He also had a vague memory of the bearded man in a bright red suit flying him through the sky to Amelia's home. This was the reason that Shags was waiting up tonight. He needed to see that man again to ask what happened that night and why he was brought here.

Just when he was about to give up on waiting, he heard something. It was in the distance, but it was getting closer. Then the sounds seemed to be all around and in the middle of the room the air started to twinkle and swirl. Shags sat up, and quite frankly, almost let out a nervous bark, but stopped himself just in time. Then, the swirling stopped, and in the middle of the twinkles stood the bearded man in the red suit. "Shags, my boy, it's wonderful to see you!" said the man, "How are you?"
Much to Shags' surprise, he was able to answer, "I have never been happier." His look of shock and surprise at being able to say this caused the man to say, "It's Christmas, and Christmas is a magical time, my boy!"

Then Santa introduced himself and asked why Shags was waiting for him. Shags said to him, "There was a time when I felt I was worthless. No one wanted me, no one loved me and because of that I was about to be removed from the Earth. Now, I have a wonderful home and family. But, most of
all, I have the greatest love of a sweet little girl who is happy to have me by her side all the day long. I would have done this sooner, but you see, this only became clear to me recently, that I have you to thank for giving all of this to me. Before you brought me here, I never could have imagined I could be so happy. So, I thank you for giving me this family, but most of all, I thank you for Amelia. But, Santa, why me?"

Santa sat down with Shags and said, "For years, from the first Christmas that Amelia could talk, she asked for one thing only. Each year, she would ask me for a friend who would love her even though she could not run and play with them; a friend who would be loyal to her and with whom
she could be herself. She wanted that friend to be able to comfort her when she was sad, and sometimes to be goofy to make her laugh. She said she needed a friend who would always be by her side and who would let her love them back with all her heart. I saw that friend in you, so I
brought you here to be with Amelia. So, you see, Shags, I thank you for helping me to give this little girl the only thing she ever asked of me - "a true friend."

Shags helped Santa place the presents around the tree. He also helped Santa out with the plate of cookies that Amelia left out for Santa. Then, Santa winked at Shags and was gone in a swirl of sparkles. Shags sat down for a moment to think about everything Santa had said to him. Then he quietly went up the stairs and took his place next to Amelia. He fell asleep as she scratched his head.

 Hugs & Paws

 Pat,   "Cody" UD,   UCD "Star" CDX,  UCD "Mist"  CDX, all BCS, "Rad" CDX
 (St Poodle) & "Bo" (GSD) our couch potatoes here in Darby Mt.

(Editors note - I don't know if Pat actually wrote this, and I don't know how to reach him or her.  I hope there is no objection to me posting this. If there is, please email me at LM@wonderpuppy.net and it will be removed or corrected immediately)

This Christmas season, give the latest, hottest new Barbie --  K-9 Rescue Barbie. She comes with her own Ford Aerostar van, and various size dog crates inside. She has a cell phone that's just barely working due to over use and underpayment. Barbie, herself is decked out in jeans, grungy athletic shoes, and a t-shirt that says "Dogs are Better Than Any Other Living Thing on Earth". She also comes with a road atlas of every town and state in all of North America, and a compass on the
dashboard of the van. She also has a map of every McDonald's in the world. 

Optional is the special Rescue Dog Barbie laptop computer with the names and addresses of every other dog rescue person on earth, in case she gets somewhere and a contact fails to show up. Running buddy, "Lucky", the three-legged, blind Shih Tzu doll is available for an additional $ 49.95. For $89.95, you can complete the set with "Pissed off husband at home, Ken", and the various foster dogs at $ 20 each. 

Prices for accessories are:

Fake snow falling on Barbie's van: $12.95

Flat tire for Barbie's van: (see Barbie's Road Service")

Barbie's First Aid Kit: (human): $11.75, (canine): $69.50

Barbie's Speeding Ticket: $95 (Mississippi--$195)

Barbie's coat-that-she-had-to-buy-in-Minnesota: $85

Barbie's Vet Bill for Lucky in Vaughn, New Mexico: $63.45

Barbie's contact, Rhonda, who she had to give gas money to in Mesa Verde, Texas: $20. 

Barbie's bill to get her contact, Luis, out of jail in Bakersfield, California: $500.

Barbie's bill to get Luis's dogs out of the pound in Bakersfield, California: $265.

Barbie's hotel/kennel bill in Laughlin, Nevada, while she waits for her contact:$532.

Barbie's overalls that she has to buy while in Minden, Nebraska, hunting down lost coonhounds: $49.95

Pizza for Barbie's suspicious looking hitch-hiker with sick puppy: $15 

Vet bill for hitch-hikers sick puppy in Des Moines, Iowa: $143.29

Barbie's doggie wheelchair for "Klause" the rescue dachshund in Leavenworth, Kansas: $143.

And Barbie's van detailing/fumigation from hauling parvo/kennel cough puppies: $187.

Barbie's new resume to get new job when she gets home from run: $29.95

12 Days of Puppy Christmas
 

On the first day of Christmas my puppy stole from me: A garland from the tree! 

On the second day of Christmas my puppy stole from me: 
Two hiking boots and A garland from the tree! 

On the third day of Christmas my puppy stole from me: 
Three credit cards Two hiking boots and A garland from the tree! 

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me: 
Four remote controls Three credit cards Two hiking boots and A garland from the tree! 

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me: 
Five golden earrings....... Four remote controls, three credit cards, two hiking boots, And a garland
from the tree! 

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me: 
Six pairs of mittens, Five golden earrings....... Four remote controls, three credit cards, two hiking
boots and A garland from the tree! 

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy stole from me: 
Seven beeswax candles, six pairs of mittens, Five golden earrings........ 
Four remote controls, three credit cards, two hiking boots and A garland from the tree! 

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me: 
Eight pans of shortbread Seven beeswax candles, six pairs of mittens, 
Five golden earrings........ Four remote controls, three credit cards, two hiking boots and A garland
from the tree! 

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me: 
Nine bags of tinsel, Eight pans of shortbread, seven beeswax candles, six pairs of mittens, Five
golden earrings........ Four remote controls, three credit cards, two hiking boots, And a garland
from the tree! 

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me: 
Ten chocolate Santas, Nine bags of tinsel, eight pans of shortbread, seven beeswax candles, six
pairs of mittens, Five golden earrings........ Four remote controls, three credit cards, two hiking
boots, 
And a garland from the tree! 

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy stole from me: 
Eleven silver sleigh bells, Ten chocolate Santas, nine bags of tinsel, eight pans of shortbread,
seven beeswax candles, six pairs of mittens, Five golden earrings........ Four remote controls,
three credit cards, two hiking boots, And a garland from the tree! 

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me: 
Twelve fruit cakes, Eleven silver sleigh bells, ten chocolate Santas, nine bags of tinsel, eight 
pans of shortbread, seven beeswax candles, six pairs of stockings, Five golden earrings...... Four
remote controls, three credit cards, two hiking boots,  And a garland from the tree! 

And that's when I hauled out the crate!!! 

Author Unknown

The Twelve Treats of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my hoomins gave to me an apple from under the tree... 
On the second day of Christmas, my hoodlims gave to me ... two rubber kongs, and an apple from
under the tree. 
On the third day of Christmas my hoomis gave to me ... three squeaking woobies, tow rubber
kongs, and an apple from under the tree. 
On the 4th day of Christmas my hoomins ... four rawhide chews. three squeeking woobies, two 
rubber kongs, and an apple from under the tree. 
On the 5th day of Christmas my hoomins gave to me ... five tennis balls. four raw hide chews,
three squeeking woobies, two rubber kongs, and an apple from under the tree. 
On theeeee sixth day of Christmas my hoomins gave to me ... six twisty rope tugs, five tennis
balls. four raw hide chews, three squeeking woobies, two rubber kongs, and an apple from under
the tree. 
On the 7th day of Christmas my hoomins gave to me ... seven buster cubes ,six twisty rope tugs,
five tennis balls. four raw hide chews, three squeeking woobies, two rubber kongs, and an apple
from under the tree. 
On the 8th day of Christmas my hoomins gave to me... eight flying Frisbees, seven buster cubes
,six twisty rope tugs, five tennis balls. four raw hide chews, three squeeking woobies, two rubber
kongs, and an apple from under the tree. 
On the 9th day of Christmas my hoomins gave to me ... nine nylabones, eight flying Frisbees,
seven buster cubes ,six twisty rope tugs, five tennis balls. four raw hide chews, three squeeking
woobies, two rubber kongs, and an apple from under the tree. 
On the 10th day of Christmas my hoomins gave to me ... ten cow hoofies, nine nylabones, eight
flying Frisbees, seven buster cubes ,six twisty rope tugs, five tennis balls. four raw hide chews,
three squeeking woobies, two rubber kongs, and an apple from under the tree. 
On the 11th day of Christmas my hoomins gave to me... eleven flexi-leashes, ten cow hoofies,
nine nylabones, eight flying Frisbees, seven buster cubes ,six twisty rope tugs, five tennis balls.
four raw hide chews, three squeeking woobies, two rubber kongs, and an apple from under the
tree. 
On the 12th day of Christmas my hoomins gave to me ... twelve obedience lessons, eleven
flexi-leashes, ten cow hoofies, nine nylabones, eight flying Frisbees, seven buster cubes ,six
twisty rope tugs, five tennis balls. four raw hide chews, three squeeking woobies, two rubber
kongs, and an apple from under the tree. 
 
 

Fill the Bowls

(to the tune of "Deck the Halls") 
Fill our bowls with freeze-dried liver, 
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! 
Watch our noses start to quiver, 
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! 
Please add bits of cheese and bacon, 
Fa-la-la, Fa-la-la, la-la-la! 
Happy wags our tails are makin', 
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! 
Sniff the gifts and shred the wrapping, 
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! 
'Round the Christmas tree go FRAPping* 
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! 
Swipe a slurp of grandma's eggnog 
Fa-la-la, Fa-la-la, la-la-la! 
Then relax and be a bedhog 
Fa-la-la, Fa-la-la, la-la-la! 
(*FRAP = FRenzied Activity Period) 
 
 
 

Bark the Christmas Puppy Sings

(to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing") 
"Bark!" the Christmas puppy sings, 
Chewing now on Dad's shoestrings. 
Running here and running there, 
Ripped a hole in Mom's new chair! 
Grumpily our hoomins rise, wipe the sleep out of their eyes... 
Pup wants "out" at 3 a.m., then at 6 he's up again! 
Gosh, we wish that he'd grow up! 
Why did they want a Christmas pup? 
 
 
 

Blazey the Red-Haired Golden

(to the tune of "Rudolph...") 
Blazey the red-haired Golden had a very rusty coat. 
and he was sort of pudgy, made the yellow Goldens gloat. 
All of the blondie Goldens used to laugh and call him names 
They never let poor Blazey join in any Frisbee games. 
Then one stormy Christmas Eve, Santa Paws did say: 
"Blazey with your fur so red, won't you help me guide my sled" 
Then how the Goldens loved him, and they "Roo-Roo'd" out with glee: 
"Blazey the red-haired Golden, you deserve a CGC!" 
 
 

I'm Gettin' Nothin' for Christmas

(to the tune of the hoomin song by the same name) 
I chewed big holes in Daddy's socks, somebody snitched on me. 
I never heel while on my walks, somebody snitched on me. 
I brought my mom a big old bug, then I messed up on the rug, 
Look at all the holes I dug! Somebody snitched on me! 
Soooo...... I'm gettin' nothin' for Christmas! 
Mommy and Daddy are mad! 
I'm gettin' nothin' for Christmas! 
'Cause I ain't been nothin' but bad! 
 
 
 

Tennis Balls

(to the tune of "Silver Bells") 
Flying Frisbees, kongs and rope tugs 
All are wonderful toys 
And they all give me hours of pleasure 
But there's one more that I adore 
- They're my most special prize, 
If I lost them I'd probably die... 
Tennis balls, Tennis balls! 
Throw them so I can go fetch 'em! 
Tennis balls, Tennis balls! 
Come on let's go out and play! 
 
 

Kill the Birds

(to the tune of "Silver Bells") 
Birds are winging, chirping, singing. 
What a terrible din! 
How I hate all this avian nuisance! 
Jays and grackles raise my hackles. 
Here they come back again! 
So I lift up my foreleg and plead: 
"Kill the birds, kill the birds! 
Can't you see? There, where I'm pointing! 
There they are - open fire!
We'll bag our limit this year." 
Quails and pheasants hide their presence 
where there's no one about. 
I can almost pretend they're extincted. 
But the sparrows raise my hair so, 
right in MyMy back Out! 
Hiding up where a doggy can't reach. 
"Kill the birds, kill the birds!" 
this German Shorthair is begging. 
"Blast them all, large and small. 
We'll have a grand Kissmoose day!" 

In the ring, are you listenin'
See that white dumbbell glistenin'?
Your heeling was grand,
You dropped on command,
But will we ever get our CDX?
 

"Hey Mom, look!  See that popcorn?"
"Listen, Mom, hear that loud horn?"
Distractions abound,
My pup runs around.
And will we ever get our CDX?
 

In the Open ring I spend my money!
Entry fees just vanish in the air!
And what's worse, the crowd just finds it funny.
Watching as you clown without a care!
 

"Take that jump!"
That's a good dog!
"Come to Front!"
That's a GREAT dog!
Will this be the day you go all the way?
And will we ever get our CDX?
 

Time and time again I throw the dumbbell.
Time and time again you watch it land,
Maybe you're expecting ME to fetch it!
Aha! At last! I've figured out your plan!
 

Am I nuts to pursue this?
Why do I want to do this?
The answer I see
Is A-gil-i-ty!
Because we'll never get our CDX!
(BIG FINISH)
BE-CAUSE WE'LL NE-VER
GET OUR C-D-X!!!!!