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Collected Dog Humor - Jokes

 Most of this was collected off the AcmePet Dog House Board. Original authors are mostly unknown, if you know who wrote something, please tell me! Credit is given when known.



Warning - Highly Contagious New Disease!!

Posted by LisaM on October 09, 1998 at 02:50:17:

 CHIP FEVER (Dogus Addictus)

 SYMPTOMS:

 Obsessive focus on all things related to dogs - seeing dog shapes in clouds and inkblots, finding dog references in unrelated conversations, pointing out other people's ability to own more dogs, going out of one's way to talk to other dog owners and to look at dog-related items. Narcolepsia manifesting itself through repetitive dreaming of dogs and all things related to dogs, and through inability to sleep without being pinned down by warm fuzzy object.

 Symptoms may prevent patient from being productive at work, and from functioning socially. This illness is also highly contagious, and can be contracted via e-mail.

 TREATMENT:

 Addition of new dog is often a successful treatment. Although some cases have needed repeat treatments up to eight or nine dogs. Saturation point is unknown, although overdosage is very feasible.

 If addition of new dog is not possible, patient should be distracted and kept busy. Acquisition of other items can temporarily soothe the need for a purchase, but patients must beware of shopping in areas containing dog-related items. If patient should see such a section of a store, the illness may become more severe.

 Patient should also avoid other people with Chip Fever as they tend to exacerbate the illness. Those who have successfully overcome this illness should encourage caution and patience, as the patients are highly impulsive.

 Fostering should not be considered a serious alternative as it often results in addition of a dog. Fostering should be considered more as a treatment for Spouseus Uncooperativeus.

 MEDICAL SUGGESTION:

 While this disease has been known to exist throughout human history, it has spread exponentially in the last few years. The increase in computer e-mail has corresponded with the rise in contagion, and is strongly suspected of being a new, serious means of communicating the disease. Those people on canine related e-mail lists should be forewarned of the possible risks of contracting the disease, and new methods of resisting contraction of the disease should be found.
 
 



The Ribbons

Posted by Bravehart on November 25, 1998 at 20:32:21:

 A woman was having a terrible time sleeping. Her large dog, which slept in the bedroom with her and her husband, snored like a buzz saw. She contacted the Vet and he told her an old remedy that was handed down to him by an old Southern lady.

 He told her that when the dog began to snore, tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles. Hoping for a good night sleep, she looked into her sewing kit and found a short piece of red ribbon and placed it on the night stand. When the dog began to snore she got up and delicately tied the red ribbon around the dog's testicles. The dog immediately stopped snoring and stayed asleep. Amazing she thought, and quickly went back to sleep.

 Later that evening, her husband came home from a night out with the boys,stumbled into the bedroom and after undressing, flopped into bed. He immediately began to snore loudly, waking his wife. She reasoned that if it worked for the dog, maybe it would work for her husband. She got up and went to her sewing kit where she found a length of blue ribbon. Quietly and softly she tied the ribbon around her husbands testicles and he immediately quit snoring. She was amazed again and promptly returned to sleep.

 The next morning the husband awoke with a terrible hangover and as he stepped into the bathroom to relieve himself saw the blue ribbon around his testicles.

 As he walked into the bedroom, he saw the red ribbon around the dog's testicles.

 Through his haze, he muttered off handily to the dog "I don't know what we did last night, but at least we finished first and second"
 

 

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