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Collected Dog Humor

Most of this was collected off the AcmePet Dog House Board. Original authors are mostly unknown, if you know who wrote something, please tell me! Credit is given when known. 



 

Birthday Wish From A Dog

Posted on Acme Pet by Shugga on October 04, 1998 at 12:33:43:

 You feed me when I'm hungry, 
You keep water in my dish,
You let me sleep on anything,
Or anyplace I wish.

 You sometimes let me lick your hands, 
Or even lick your face,
Despite the fact I've licked myself,
In every private place.

 You taught me how to come when called,
You taught me how to sit,
You always let me go outside, 
So I can take a stroll.

 I've been with you through oh, so much,
Through laughter and through tears,
I hope you live to be a hundred...
(that's 700 in doggy years.) 

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Poem for New Puppy Owners

 Posted on Acme Pet by Bravehart on October 10, 1998 at 11:25:22:

 Don't smell crotches, don't eat plants, 
Don't steal food or underpants. 
Don't eat my socks; don't grab my hair,,, 
DON'T RIP THE STUFFING FROM THAT CHAIR!! 

Don't eat those peas, don't touch that bush, 
Don't chew my shoes, what IS this mush!?! 
Eat your cookies, drink your drink, 
Outta the toilet! Outta the sink! 

AWAY FROM THE LITER BOX, IT'S FOR THE CAT! 
(and must you kiss me after that!?!) 
Raising a puppy is not for the lazy, 
Those rugrats are funny, but also quite crazy. 

Don't despair through the toil and the strife. 
"Cause after three years you'll get back your life! 
So lets go for walkies, so you can do your "thing" 
And maybe I'll get back my diamond ring! 

-Author unknown

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The Dog's Cold Nose
by Arthur Guiterman

 Posted on Acme Pet by Puppy Luv on August 09, 1998 at 02:59:45:

 When Noah, perceiving 'twas time to embark,
Persuaded the creatures to enter the Ark,
The dog, with a friendliness truly sublime, 
Assisted in herding them, two at a time.

 He drove in the elephants, zebras and gnus
Until they were packed like a boxful of screws.
The c*t in the cupboard, the mouse on the shelf,
The bug in the crack; then he backed in himself.

 But such was the lack of available space,
He couldn't tuck all of him into the place;
So after the waters had flooded the plain
And down from the heavens fell blankets of rain.

 He stood with his muzzle thrust out through the door
The whole forty days of that terrible pour!
Because of which drenching, zoologists hold,
The nose of a healthy dog always is cold!

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Puppy Politics

One day while George Bush Jr. was doing his morning jogging he noticed a little boy standing outside the White House gates. As curiosity got the best of him, George jogged over to the gates to see what the little boy was doing.

As he approached the gates George was taken by surprise when he noticed a sign saying "Republican Dogs Foe Sale". George asked the boy about the dogs he was trying to sell. "What's up son?" Bill asked. To which the little boy replied "I'm selling Republican Puppies. Would you like to buy one Mr. President?' he answered.

"No, Thank you young man. I just got a new dog. But thanks anyway. And good luck" said the President. And he jogged away.

Thinking about how cute the puppies had been, George went to Laura and told her about the Republican Puppies. They both laughed about how sweet it was that the little boy was trying to sell his puppies.

The next morning Bush noticed the same little boy at the gate with the same little puppies. This day, however the sign read, "Democratic Puppies For Sale".

George inquired about the sign stating, "Young man, yesterday when I was here you had a sign stating that these were Republican Puppies for sale. Now today you call the same puppies Democrat Puppies. What's the deal?"

To which the boy replied, "Yes sir, Mr. President, but today they all have their eyes open."

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Chess

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Aw, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

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Why Dogs are Better than Men

1. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
2. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
3. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
4. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
5. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
6. Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
7. Dogs don't criticize your friends.
8. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
9. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
10. Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
11. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
12. No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
13. You can train a dog.
14. Dogs are easy to buy for.
15. Dogs are good with kids.
16. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
17. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
18. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
19. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
20. Dogs understand what 'NO' means.
21. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
22. Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. Waome's Sami Chan - Christmas Dinner
23. Dogs do not read at the table.
24. Dogs think you are a culinary genius. You can house train a dog.
25. You can force a dog to take a bath.
26. Dogs don't correct your stories.
27. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
28. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
29. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
30. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
31. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
32. Dogs admit it when they're lost.
33. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
34. Dogs look at your eyes.
35. Dogs like your size.
36. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
37. Dogs take care of their own needs.
38. Dogs are color blind.
39. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
40. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
41. Dogs are nice to your relatives.
42. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

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You're A Bulldog Owner If...

1. Your dog snores louder than your mother in-law, snores louder than the train that rumbles by your house every morning, so they use your house for noise abatement research by the airport authority.

2. Your dog spends more time in bed than you do.

3. You think Walter Matthau's face is handsome and dignified.

4.You buy Beano and yogurt by the case and you sleep with the windows open in the winter.

5. If your dog is mistaken for Miss Piggy.

6. You make your dog wear a life preserver while taking a bath.

7. If your dog goes on a diet more than you do and has just about as much success.

8. Your Vet takes a vacation to Las Vegas every year but you don't take vacations any more!

9. If you trip over your dog more than three times a day.

10. You put a Mack Truck Bulldog on the front of your riding lawnmower.

11. You know your dog's pedigree better than your family tree.

12. You spent more time in the delivery room with your dog than with your wife.

13. People on the street look at your dog in shock and say, "What's that?" People on the street either run to the other side or come right up and pet your Bulldog, but *nobody* ignores it!

14. When the pool service people refer among themselves to your house as "the house with the ugly dogs"

15. When you're away from home and can't sleep because there isn't any snoring in the room.

16. You look at your Bulldog and know for the cost of medical bills you could have purchased that condo in Aspen.

17. You've finally learned to be very careful not to use your dog's thermometer on yourself.

18. You have a bumper sticker on your car: "Globber Happens."

19. The woodwork in your house has permanent globber marks about one foot from the floor.

20. You share tips on globber removal with your friends on the Internet. (No one else understands!)

21. You consider "ugliness" and "sloth" to be complex philosophical concepts.

22. The people at the local McDonald's know your bulldogs by their names.

23. "You never miss an episode of Jake and the Fat man."

24. When your mate insists that "if the bulldog wants to sleep between us, it's OK".

25. If your mate cuddles with the bulldog more than he cuddles with you.

26. If you have more pictures of your bulldogs in your wallet than you do your kids.....

27. If you can pass gas and get away with blaming it on the dog...you must have a bulldog.

28. They're bark is worse than their bite, but it's the gas that kills you.

29. If the water bottle you carry on your walks is for your dog and not for you.......

30. If the pizza delivery people know your dogs by name, and send them Christmas cards.

31. When there is as much water on the floor around the water dish as there is in it.

32.You are sleeping on 6" of a king size bed, and the rest is full of snoring bodies.

33. The people in the suite above you phone at 2:00 A.M. to say the snoring is keeping them awake.

34.You start to like the smell of bitter apple.

35. You realize the most wasted phrase used in America is "be a good boy while daddy goes to work."

36. You might be a bulldog owner if your vet bill arrives with extra postage!

37. When you're the one that's truly owned.

38. When you actually look forward to and enjoy a tongue lashing!!

39. You might a bulldog owner if your boyfriend thinks your bully looks better than you do first thing in the morning!

40. You know you are a Bulldog owner when your mate would rather kiss your Bully than you first thing in the morning.

41. You consider slobber as a natural source of fireproofing, for your clothes and furniture.

42. Your co-workers know the name of your bully and always ask about your baby (they pass on the information you tell them to friends and family for a laugh!!)

43. You must be a bulldog owner if: Your co-workers know your bully's name and recognize your bully on sight, but didn't know you also had grown children!!

44. You must be a bulldog owner if: All it takes is the mention of your bully's name and your mood automatically changes for the better!!

45. You must be a bulldog owner if: Your boss always changes the subject on you by asking about your bully (knowing that's all it takes for you to loose track of anything else on your mind you may want to complain about!!)

If all this sounds good to you, then you'll make a fine bulldog owner!

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A Dog Fancier's Guide To Shakespeare

"To be or not to be, that is the question."
(Shall we breed this season?)

"Double, double toil and trouble, Fire burn and cauldron bubble"
(Ringside gossip)

Methought I heard a voice cry, "Sleep no more" . . .
(Bitch in season in same house with active stud)

"What fools these mortals be"
(They just bought their 3rd dog)

"Out, out damned spot!"
(They are housebreaking the 3rd dog)

"What light through yonder window breaks?"
(Up all night whelping)

"Much ado about nothing"
(False pregnancy)

"Assume a virtue if you have it not"
(Be a good loser)

"Play such fantastic tricks before high heaven as make the angels weep"
(On seeing some odd judging or clever handling)

"Small curs are not regarded when they grin"
(Unless they have a big-name handler)

"Nor let the rain of heaven wet this place"
(The prayer of all outdoor show chairs)

"He hath but a little wee face, with a little yellow beard"
(Cairn Terrier)

"Like a fountain with an hundred spouts"
(Male dog going for walk)

"A double blessing is a double grace"
(Best of Breed AND a group placement)

"I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England"
(Sentiments of the inveterate dog-show enthusiast)

"Young gentlemen, your spirits are too bold for your years"
(Class of terrier puppies)

"Your father is at Westminster"
(But your mother wasn't show-quality)

"And I do wish your honours may increase"
(Best-in-show next time!)

"Obedience; for so work the honey-bees,
Creatures that by a rule in nature teach the act of order"
(A good definition!)


- author unknown
(Maybe also by Shakespaw)

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Death at the dog show

A dog show was held in a small town in Kentucky. Tragically, there were
three deaths during the night of the show. This was highly unusual for
this area.

The coroner happened to be a dog person.

A police detective came to investigate the deaths, and to his amazement
found that all the corpses were smiling. He couldn't understand this
and questioned the coroner. "Why are these people smiling?"
The coroner explained.

The first body belongs to an exhibitor who is a known flirt and lover.

He was having sex with a beautiful exhibitor (not his wife) when he had
a heart attack .... died a happy man.

"But what about the next one", asked the detective.

"Oh, that one's a well known handler that really likes the booze. He
got into the good stuff and overdid it last night. Died of what he
enjoyed."

"Then how do you explain the third body?" queried the detective.
"Oh, that person was struck by lightning."

"Struck by lightning? How could anyone possibly be happy about that?"
asked the detective.

"He was a judge, and thought he was getting his picture taken!!"

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10 Rules For Pampered Pets

1. Don't accept a trip to the vet after Wednesday....
Everyone knows that veterinarians do their best work early in the week. And no pampered pet wants their eye job or tummy tuck done by someone who is tired and cranky.

2. Keep your leash on....
Never let your human pressure you into removing your leash until you are good and ready.

3. If it itches, don't scratch it....
Especially avoid scratching at the opera, in a limo and while accepting your Oscar.

4. No matter how desperate you are, don't beg....
Instead, go for the direct approach -- a cold nose against any warm part of the human anatomy usually gets immediate attention.

5. Don't allow yourself to be dressed up....
Once you pose in clothes, it will come back to haunt you for the rest of your life, and you will never be able to hold your head up as you walk into a room full of your peers.

6. Stare at people until they back off....
A stare is a simple, straightforward way of letting your person know that you know who's in charge here --- you, of course.

7. Don't expect a human to change....
Due to their inferior brain capacity, humans are only capable of changing three things --- their minds, their underwear, and lanes on the freeway.

8. No heavy petting....
Heavy petting increases your chances of Canine Pattern Baldness, not to mention the fact that once you let a person pet you, he or she will always want more, more, more!

9. Remain aloof....
Fake it if you have to.

10. If your person attempts to suggest that you do certain things, such as "Hop in the pet carrier," it is up to you to remind them who actually wears the collar in your household.

FOLLOW THIS 12-STEP PROGRAM:
Step 1. Get them to admit they have a problem.
Step 2. Get them to apologize to you.
Step 3. Get them to bring you gifts.
Steps 4-12. Repeat Steps 2-3.

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Dogaholics Anonymous (Show Version)

Good Evening. My name is Doris and I AM a dogaholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of "Dogaholics Anonymous. Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and that you really don't need any help.

It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a DAA meeting for help. DAA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.

Can you say "Bitch" in public without blushing?

Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?

Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?

Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows, specialties and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?

If you do go overseas, is it to London in March to attend Crufts?

Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?

Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?

Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?

Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?

Are your end table really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?

Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, CGC, HIC,WC, JH, MH, CH, and

OTCH?

Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs, dog magazines and premium lists?

Do you get up before dawn to go to Training Classes? Dog Shows? Seminars?

If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets?

Do those pockets often contain freeze dried liver, Rollover or squeaky toys?

When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have and pity them if they don't have one?

Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember their name?

Do you find non dog people boring?

If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place.

My advise to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs and it will never be boring.

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You Know You Are A Giant Breed Owner When...

The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"

You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair

It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets

You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are

You can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly in your crotch

You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a porta potty

Your dog can hide an entire tennis ball (among other things) fully inside his lips and give you that innocent look that says, "What? I'm not eating anything!"

You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle

You keep at least one colorcoded "drool towel" in every room of your house

After banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you awake

You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog

Visitors enter the house holding their privates protectively

You toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway

You take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make random right turns

You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub

Your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down for the second time

You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink

You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog

While stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the window

You go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling

You avoid the dogs on your way out the door, so they won't smear your makeup

You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"

The monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment

Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a personal plane

You have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink

The donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose

Your dog can see what you're cooking, and he tries to assist you in the preparation

You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings, you take a short (but fast!) ride straight to the door

The pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk

Your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the drivethrough window at MacDonald's and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around to give you your change

You purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when he stands in front of the television

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