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Collected Dog Humor

Most of this was collected off the AcmePet Dog House Board. Original authors are mostly unknown, if you know who wrote something, please tell me! Credit is given when known.



 

 

Warning - Highly Contagious New Disease!!

Posted on Acme Pet by LisaM on October 09, 1998 at 02:50:17:

 CHIP FEVER (Dogus Addictus)

 SYMPTOMS:

 Obsessive focus on all things related to dogs - seeing dog shapes in clouds and inkblots, finding dog references in unrelated conversations, pointing out other people's ability to own more dogs, going out of one's way to talk to other dog owners and to look at dog-related items. Narcolepsia manifesting itself through repetitive dreaming of dogs and all things related to dogs, and through inability to sleep without being pinned down by warm fuzzy object.

 Symptoms may prevent patient from being productive at work, and from functioning socially. This illness is also highly contagious, and can be contracted via e-mail.

 TREATMENT:

 Addition of new dog is often a successful treatment. Although some cases have needed repeat treatments up to eight or nine dogs. Saturation point is unknown, although overdosage is very feasible.

 If addition of new dog is not possible, patient should be distracted and kept busy. Acquisition of other items can temporarily soothe the need for a purchase, but patients must beware of shopping in areas containing dog-related items. If patient should see such a section of a store, the illness may become more severe.

 Patient should also avoid other people with Chip Fever as they tend to exacerbate the illness. Those who have successfully overcome this illness should encourage caution and patience, as the patients are highly impulsive.

 Fostering should not be considered a serious alternative as it often results in addition of a dog. Fostering should be considered more as a treatment for Spouseus Uncooperativeus.

 MEDICAL SUGGESTION:

 While this disease has been known to exist throughout human history, it has spread exponentially in the last few years. The increase in computer e-mail has corresponded with the rise in contagion, and is strongly suspected of being a new, serious means of communicating the disease. Those people on canine related e-mail lists should be forewarned of the possible risks of contracting the disease, and new methods of resisting contraction of the disease should be found.
 

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The Ribbons

Posted on Acme Pet by Bravehart on November 25, 1998 at 20:32:21:

 A woman was having a terrible time sleeping. Her large dog, which slept in the bedroom with her and her husband, snored like a buzz saw. She contacted the Vet and he told her an old remedy that was handed down to him by an old Southern lady.

 He told her that when the dog began to snore, tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles. Hoping for a good night sleep, she looked into her sewing kit and found a short piece of red ribbon and placed it on the night stand. When the dog began to snore she got up and delicately tied the red ribbon around the dog's testicles. The dog immediately stopped snoring and stayed asleep. Amazing she thought, and quickly went back to sleep.

 Later that evening, her husband came home from a night out with the boys,stumbled into the bedroom and after undressing, flopped into bed. He immediately began to snore loudly, waking his wife. She reasoned that if it worked for the dog, maybe it would work for her husband. She got up and went to her sewing kit where she found a length of blue ribbon. Quietly and softly she tied the ribbon around her husbands testicles and he immediately quit snoring. She was amazed again and promptly returned to sleep.

 The next morning the husband awoke with a terrible hangover and as he stepped into the bathroom to relieve himself saw the blue ribbon around his testicles.

 As he walked into the bedroom, he saw the red ribbon around the dog's testicles.

 Through his haze, he muttered off handily to the dog "I don't know what we did last night, but at least we finished first and second"
 

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Dog and Leopard

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter). Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

Written by Elise Lewis

 

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A Puppy's 12 Days of Christmas

(Be sure to read down to Day 12)

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

A dozen puppy kisses
And I forgot all about the other eleven days.

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Blind Pilot?

The flight was from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time the plane took off,
there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was upset.
Then unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant
explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if anyone wanted to get off the aircraft, they would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. His seeing-eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He had flown this very flight before and the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Lou, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Lou replied, "No thanks, but could you please take my dog out to go potty?" The pilot replied "Sure Thing!"

The pilot then walk off the plane with the seeing-eye dog, who promptly lifted his leg on the plane's landing gear.

But the real problem was that pilot was even wearing sunglasses and walking with what was obviously a seeing-eye dog. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they tried to change airlines!

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Expensive Vet Visit

A guy comes home to find his dog lying on the ground on its back
with its legs up. The guy is horrified and rushes the dog to the vet.
The vet says, "Sorry, but you've simply got a dead dog."

The guy says, "Oh no, I want to a second opinion." The vet says "ok"
and opens up a cage. Out comes a lab retriever. The lab walks around
the dog, puts its paws on it, sniffs, and shrugs its shoulders and goes
back to its cage. The vet says, "See, even the lab agrees your dog is dead."

The guy is beside himself. "Give me one more opinion, ok?"
The vet says, "Well, ok," and opens up another cage. Out comes
a cat. The cat walks around the dead dog, looks at it very
carefully, then shrugs and goes back to its cage. The vet says,
"See, the cat also believes your dog is dead."

The guy is resigned. He says, "Well, I guess my dog is dead.
Ok, doc, what do I owe you?"

The vet says, "$1500."

The guy exclaims, "$1500! Just to tell me I have a dead dog?!"

The vet replies, "Well, you're the one who ordered the lab work
and the cat scan."

 

 

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House Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

 

 

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Creation

On the first day, God created the Dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Author Unknown

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Things You Can Learn From A Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
Bond with your pack.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
Don't go out without ID.  
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility
(as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

 

Author Unknown

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Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?


Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits

After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found

Method used to end undesirable behavior:
Dogs: Hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: Hit control-alt-delete

Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead

Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert

Fun way to mess with their heads
D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

Consequence of virus
D: replace valuable carpeting
C: replace valuable data

Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act

Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller

Sensitive internal procedures
D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this once

Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: "Designed for Windows 95"

Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag

Inexplicable physical feature
D: dewclaw
C: scroll lock key

Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years
C: 12 months

Author Unknown

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The Sampler

I love my dogs, this is their home.
It's my hope they'll never roam.
My faithful friends, they are the best,
This is THEIR home, YOU are the guest.
If to you, they are a peeve,
Then by all means please feel free to leave

Author Unknown

 

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Obedience Dachshund

At the gates of heaven stood three people. St Peter asked the first gentleman what he had accomplished in life.

The man told him that he had trained Golden Retrievers and had put a UD on his dog. St Peter determined that that was not difficult enough and sent the man back.

St Peter then asked the second person, a man, what he had accomplished in life. He said he has trained Border Collies and put a UDX on his dog. St Peter determined that that was not difficult enough and sent the man back.

St Peter then asked the third person, a woman, what she had accomplished in life. She said that she had trained a Dachshund and put a CD on her dog. St Peter smiled and said "come right in--you have already spend your time in hell."

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Alternate Titles

Author Unknown

AD ( attention deficit )

ARB ( ace refrigerator bandit )

BW ( butt wagger )

BWX ( butt wagger excellent )

CC ( cat - courser )

CCX ( cat - courser excellent )

CP ( couch potato )

CPX ( couch potato excellent )

CSX ( counter surfer extrordanaire )

GFIY ( go fetch it yourself )

IDDI ( I didn't do it )

ILF ( I like food )

ILLF ( I like lots of food )

IWFF ( I work for food )

LD ( lap dog )

LDX ( lap dog excellent )

TBF ( thick but friendly )

TGS ( terribly good snorer )

TGAN ( terribly good at nothing )

TSIM ( that seat is mine )

TTIM ( that toy is mine )

UNCD ( under the covers dog )

UNCDX ( under the covers dog excellent )

WM ( who me ? ).

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Poker Dog

An Easterner who walked into a Western saloon was amazed to see a dog sitting at a table playing poker with three men.
"Can that dog really read cards?" he asked.
"Yeah, but he ain't much of a player," said one of the men.
"Whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

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Unemployed Dog

A dog walks into a JobCentre and says to the assistant:
"Excuse me pal, you got any jobs for me?"

The assistant picks himself up off the floor and recomposes himself,
"Um, yeah, leave it with me, come back in an hour and I'll see what I can do for you."

The dog leaves. The assistant rings Billy Smart's Circus.
"Hey Billy - you interested in a talking Dog?"
"Of course, send him along! If he's any good there'll be a few quid in it for you!"

An hour later, the dog pads back into the JobCentre. The assistant gushes,
"Great news! You've got an interview tomorrow at Billy Smarts Circus!"
The dog looks puzzled.
"What does a circus want with a bricklayer?"

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The Dog-Eared Dog Rules

No dogs on the bed.

If a human is sitting on the couch, he has automatically consented to kisses from a dog.

Dogs may be on the bed but they must stay on their own doggie blanket and not on the human's sheets.

If a human is in the bathroom and the door is shut, it is okay for a dog to nudge his way in and sit and stare at the human. It is also acceptable for a dog to sniff around the garbage can and toilet bowl, you know, just to check things out.

Dogs may be on the bed and off the doggie blanket if they are relatively clean and flea-free.

Dogs are allowed in the kitchen to supervise the cooking and to help clean up any food that may fall on the floor.

While the humans are at the table eating dinner, it is customary for a dog to nudge his nose against the human's leg to indicate his presence and signal that he is ready for handouts. Also, if the nose trick doesn't work, then the dog's hot breath against the human's leg will act as a signal.

Dogs are allowed in the bed, and off of the doggie blanket, but they must allow the humans to take their positions first and then the dogs may sleep wherever space is available.

If the humans are outside the fence talking to neighbors, it is okay for the dogs to bark to get the humans' attention and order the humans back into the yard.

If the humans are out front, it is okay for the dogs to sit at the window and whine very loudly.

Dogs are allowed in the bed, and off the doggie blanket, but must only allow the alpha human to get comfortable. Dogs may use the remaining space as they see fit.

After a human is finished eating, and sits down on the couch, it is perfectly okay for the dog to run over to him, jump on his lap, and smell his breath.

Dogs may bring inside whatever sticks or roots they find appetizing. Dogs should also feel free to devour them on the rug, couch, or chair.

If a favorite human is visiting, the dog should make sure to jump into the chair the favorite human wants, so the human will have to pay attention to the dog.

If treats are being handed out in return for tricks, it's okay for the dog to do all the tricks he knows (not just the one the human asked for) so that he will surely get the treat.

If treats are being handed out in return for tricks, it is also okay for the dog to do only one trick (no matter what trick is being requested) because the dog is so good at the trick.

When the humans come home from work, the dogs should greet them excitedly, with their rear ends wiggling and then proceed to fight with each other.

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Genie Grants Three Wishes

An old lady and her dog, Duke, are sitting in the garden
when all at once a genie appears.
"You may have three wishes" he says.
"Well, I'd love to be young and beautiful" --'poof!' (young and beautiful)
"I'd like to be rich and live in a great house" -- 'poof' (rich)
"I'd like Duke here to turn into a man and live with me always"
'poof!' (Duke is a handsome man)
The genie disappears --- Duke turns to the lady and says,
"Bet you wish you hadn't neutered me"

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You know you're a dog person when...

You have used your dog's shampoo

You have tasted a dog biscuit to make sure it's good enough

You have lied to your spouse to keep or protect a dog

You'd rather shop for dog stuff than people stuff

Your dog has her own email address and sends and receives email in her name

You neglect to send Christmas cards to your human friends, but send them all over the world to dogs, from your dog.

You cry watching "Emergency Vets"

You cry watching Lassie

You critique dog food commercials

You have smuggled a dog or puppy into a public place so they didn't have to be alone in the car

You don't visit people who don't let your dogs in their house

Your dog has her own Christmas stocking and gets presents from "Santa"

You can pluck a dog hair from your food and finish eating without batting an eye

You refer to your friends as "Rover's mom" or "Fluffy's dad", etc

You buy stock in a paper towel factory.

Your jewelry box contains no jewels--just those fasteners from Vari-kennels.

Every time you read the name Bob, you think the guy's first name is Best-of-Breed.

You ask your vet if you can ride in her sports car sometime.

Your house isn't carpeted--the furry fuzzballs under your feet are soft enough.

Your hungry hubby comes home from work, lifts the cover of a pan on the stove and says "Is this people or dog food?"

Your hungry hubby once ate the dog stew and asked for seconds.

Your mother-in-law keeps asking when you're going to have children.

You don't give a second thought to using the brush you just used on your dog to give a quick run-through on your own hair.

At your dinner parties, you always double-check the butter before putting it on the table.

You put important papers in your latest issue of your breed magazine, you KNOW you will find them there.

You have dog hair stuck on tape on wrapped gifts.

You have dog treats/toys in your briefcase.

You have several albums filled with 8 x 10 pictures of your dogs but you can't locate any pictures of your kids to send to Grandma.

You show up at the car dealers with a ruler, to measure and see if your big dog crate will fit. Before the actual purchase, you make the dealer cringe by insisting that you load both crate and dog into the shiny, new vehicle to make sure it works!

You can't get the groceries in the car because its a) already full of dog food or b) you have that big ole crate in there.

You visit relatives only if there is a dog show nearby.

You absentmindly pat your husband on the head instead of hugging him.

You remove all of the seats from the van except the 2 in front so you have room for the crates. the passenger seat is full of dog stuff.

You cringe at the cost of food in the grocery store but think nothing of buying dog toys and treats.

You have 6 squeaky hedgehogs, 1 with squeaker still working

You ignore babies but are drawn to puppies

You are pickier about the shampoo you use on the dog then the one you use.

You have a show lead, a pair of cordless clippers and thinning shears in your purse.

Your mother knows the implications of a "major breaking."

Your mother calls to ask just how your special did this weekend; not how you are.

You put popcorn into a clean s/s dog dish for movie night

You pull out your credit card, and little bits of liver are stuck to it. So you want to brush it off, but since you're standing in Macys, this just is not too cool. So you do it, but so the saleswoman can't see what that brown goop on the credit card is. Of course, she can still SMELL it...

You don't mind hair in your food as long as it's white!

When you buy a new van "for the dogs".

When you get your latest roll of film developed and there isn't a single picture of a two legged person in the bunch.

Every article you knit always has little pieces of dog hair knit into it, even when it's not supposed to.

The people who run the dog wash where you bathe your dogs know the dogs by name.

People at work have stopped offering you their lint brushes. They realize it is a hopeless case.

Friends no longer ask "how was your weekend?" they ask "how did the dogs do?"

All babies and youngsters are "People Puppies."

When someone asks you how many dogs you have now, and you never give a straight answer!

You tell your husband that if the beds to crowded because you have four large collies in it, that he might be able to find room on the couch.

You highly resent the extra time that your husband spends at work, to the point of contemplating divorce, except for that extra week he's going to spend up there so you can go to the nationals!

You're a diabetic that's supposed to get up in the morning, take your insulin and eat, then do other things and instead, you get up in the morning, do two hours of dog chores, then remember your insulin and food!

Your phone bill is $900.00 and all the calls were to dog people, none to familly!

One of your greatest desires is to win the lottery so that you can build that kennel/house that you designed two years ago. Oh yes and buy that motor home and spend the rest of your days away showing dogs!

You don't go to the doctor, but your at the vet weekly!

You eat rice without chicken for dinner so that the poor puppy who had the runs two days ago can have rice with chicken, there wasn't enough for both of you!

You fall asleep at night with you dogs head on your shoulder and your arms around her rather than your spouse.

Your vehicle purchase has to be a truck big enough to pull a stock trailer to the shows and have room in the cab for the 4 spoiled smooths.

All you do is look up dogs on the Internet.

Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.

The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose prints all over the inside.

Your dog sleeps with you.

You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but they understand.

You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kids.

You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.

You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.

You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your friends.

You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.

You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.

You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.

You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.

Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.

You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).

You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.

You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.

You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.

You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs its walk.

Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.

Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike.

You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night.

Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.

You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).

You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all its favorite spots.

You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.

You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.

And the number one reason you know you're a dog person: Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site.

 

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Men are Better than Dogs are Better than Men

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Men don't eat turds on the sly.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
It's fun to dry off a wet man.

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Letter To A Small Hotel Owner

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner who said :
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware, or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

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Are you REALLY into Dogs ?

1. You own more leashes than belts.

2. You can't understand why heads snap around at work when you discuss your "bitch."

3. All your clothes have plastic bags in the pockets.

4. Your dogs have more -- and better! -- toys than you do.

5. You think it's completely normal to discuss your dog's stools at the dinner table.

6. You select a new vehicle solely on its suitability for carrying your dogs and their gear.

7. Your mattress is old enough to vote, but your dogs get brand-new beds every Christmas.

8. You watch "Letterman" only on Stupid Pet Trick night.

9. You have no photos of your spouse in your wallet -- just the dogs.

10. Your dog's shampoo: $18.00 a bottle, plus $5.00 for second-day air shipment. Your shampoo: Whatever's on sale.

11.You never bother to wash you hands after petting the dog even before eating

12. You expect to find a little dog hair in each meal and think of

it as "added fiber".

13. You wake up instantly when your dog whines, but never wake up

when someone calls your name or your alarm goes off.

14. You will rush your dog to the vet at the smallest injury or cough, but wait to take yourself to the doctor unless it is really severe.

15. You are willing to get up and walk the puppy at any time of, night with a cheerful "good dog", but grumble and complain when someone calls you in the middle of the night.

16. You know peoples' dog's names before you know theirs. And when you talk about someone it goes like this: "You know the person that owns the sable German GSD really got some good advice from the person with the corgi..."

17. Your entire wardrobe is covered in dog hair. You still find dog hair even when you have been away from dogs for months.

18.You notice the breed of someones dog, but don't even notice if the person who had the dog was male or female.

19. New puppies cause "oh isn't he so cute. He sure has grown recently. How adorable!" while human children only get "What a cute new puppy in the family"

20. You talk to people in short phrases: "Billy come", "Joe Sit", "Watch me", "good boy!"

21. When someone does something that pleases you are inclined to

reach in your pocket for a piece of food as a reward.

22. You feel the urge to put choke chains on people when they misbehave.

23. You ask old friends about their dogs before you ask about the family.

24. You send out Christmas pictures of the dog, not the family.

25. When you are away from home you call to ask about the dog.

26. You ask pregnant women when they are due to whelp.

27. When you are talking you have the urge to spell out que words, that your dog reacts to like "W_A_L_K" and "O_U_T" whenever they are used in a sentence, even if the dog is not around.

28. You open all doors cautiously to make sure the dog doesn't run out, even at other peoples houses.

29. Dog related activities dictate your weekends and evenings

30. You own more dog training videos than all other videos combined.

31. You own more dog training books than all other books combined.

32. Your dogs brushes and combs sit next to your own

33. Your dog has a wardrobe as large as your own.

34. You have more pictures of your dogs on the walls of your house

than of your human family, or the dog is included in all family photos.

35. You greet your dogs before you greet the rest of the family when you have been gone.

36. Your dog's food costs more in one month than your own.

37. You celebrate your dogs birthday by giving your dog presents, cake and have their "friends" come over for a party.

38. Your dog receives a stocking at Christmas

39. Your favorite stores to go to are pet stores, because your dog is welcome to come in.

40. You hate people that beg, because they just can't get that innocent look like your dog.

41. Your dog has more toys than your children

42. Your phone bill is full of calls to your dog's groomer, breeder, trainer, show handler, hotel reservations for dog shows, dog show friends, other dog people, etc.

43. Every conversation you have tends to turn to the topic of dogs.

44. If you had a choice between living with your spouse and your dog, you would choose the dog.

45. You spend more time at work reading dog related e-mail than you do actually working.

46. The initials DHLP, AKC, CHD, PRA, CERF, ARBA, BOB, BIS, BOS, BOV, CD, CDX, OTCH, EDX, JH, MH, LCX, etc. are common abreviations in your vocabulary.

47. You can recognize more than 100 breeds of dogs on sight.

48. Westminster Dog show on TV takes all precedence over any other program during the dates it is on.

49. You are subscribed to two or more dog related magazines and eagerly await their arrival.

50. You feel the urge to neuter or spay anyone who mistreats their dogs, or allows their dogs to run loose.

Scoring:

0-5: Get rid of your dog, you really must not enjoy them much.

6-15: You are amused by your dog

16-25: You really enjoy the company of dogs

26-35: You are hooked to dogs

36-45: You are beginning to resemble your dog

46-50: Your dog lives a better life than you do

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The Potential Puppy Owner Test


This is a test to determine if people are truly ready for a dog. They will be stressed to every limit, with little mercy shown. If the Potential Puppy Owner passes, they will be given a license to start learning about the breed of their choice.

Hereinafter the Potential Puppy Owner will be referred as PPO.

Under no circumstances will physical force, yelling, cursing, or threatening will be used.

Protective padding, or soil proof clothes of any sort are NOT permitted.

Small wounds and scratches will be handled in a blase manner. Washing with water, and *a* bandage will be distributed to each PPO.

Tests will be held in a variety of environments. From crowded interiors to muddy fields, to brush. PPO must enter all environments with a happy face.

PPO will only have one set of clothes permitted. If at any time, they
are seen wiping off dog hair or saliva, they will fail.

Test.

PPO must control a highly stimulated 10 month old male German Shepherd puppy. PPO must be able to calm down the dog into a down position in 2 minutes. Only a flat buckle collar and nylon lead will be issued.

PPO must stand in between a 14 month old Golden Retriever puppy and a field. The handler of the puppy will then throw a ball directly in the path of the PPO. PPO must stand their ground and take their clobbering in good nature.

PPO must serve dinner to six Rottweiler puppies. The puppies will be no older than six months and no younger than four months. PPO must not spill the food and the puppies will not be held in any stay position.

PPO must quiet either four Shetland Sheepdogs, or six Pomeranians when the doorbell rings. PPO has two minutes and all dogs will be off lead. The dogs must have been handled previously by a breeder immune to the noise, and living in the middle of nowhere.

PPO must hold their ground with 10 Jack Russell Terriers chasing a animal that they see as prey. PPO must hold their leashes and not move more than 6 inches. No corrections will be issued, but PPO is welcome to try and distract them.

PPO Must hold their ground with 2 Great Danes on ice. They may not move more than 100 ft.

PPO Must play with a male Newfoundland after the dog has been swimming in a pond. They must attempt to dry themselves off with a tea towel. At no time, will the PPO react disgusted.

PPO Must leave two huskies alone with their home for 3 hours uncrated. The dogs will not be kept in a room where any posed danger to themselves is prominent. PPO must not loose temper with the dogs. PPO may cry however.

PPO Must groom an adult male Collie blowing coat completely within 25 minutes. Eyes, Nails, Paws, Ears, Teeth and Coat. The dog will be recently bathed to give PPO a good chance.

PPO must be introduced into a pack of Beagles ready for a hunt, without cringing at the noise.

PPO must fit a Basenji into a weather protective coat within 5 minutes. The Basenji will have never been trained to wear protective clothing before. No ear plugs will be issued.

PPO must carry an Irish Wolfhound puppy up and down the stairs for 20 times a day for at least a week.

PPO must remove the thistles out of the coat of a English Setter. The coat will only be medium length, but all thistles will be removed by hand and a fine toothed comb.

PPO must exercise a Vizsla who has not received exercise for 2 days. PPO must not tire out before the dog.

PPO must sleep in the room with a Bulldog. If PPO does not get any sleep, they must appear cheerful and sunny.

PPO must clean the yard of a St. Bernard breeder within 10 minutes in a snowstorm and may not use any type of bag other than the common supermarket shopping bag.

PPO must sit in the same room and read an entire magazine while a Shiba Inu is being introduced to the crate.

PPO will strip a Giant Schnauzer under the supervision of the breeder, until the preferred look is achieved. Note this can take months.

PPO will take a large breed to the vets after being neutered.

PPO will navigate through 10 small dogs without stepping on one.

PPO must pass an agility course.

PPO must secure a steady supply of used bag within 3 days. Stealing bags from the grocery store is not an option, that is only a privilidge of the seasoned dog owner.

PPO must be able to successfully get a dog to throw up in a bag while they are in the passenger seat of a car.

PPO must not die of shock when they have to cough up the veterinary fees to neuter an adult Mastiff.

PPO must not die of shock at the food bill of two growing Bullmastiffs.

PPO must sit in a closed room for 12 hours with at least two dogs that have been fed broccoli and beans for dinner.

PPO must live with two 5 month old active breed puppies and not go insane.

PPO must spend 72 hours with the breeder whelping and watching puppies without dozing off. Continuous caffeine will be supplied.

PPO must spend the night on the floor beside's a sick dog's bed, just to be certain that the dog is resting comfortably.

PPO will go on a camping trip and take the dog everywhere with them, including managing to hold the dog's leash and using the outhouse at the same time, this will take place in the rain at 3 am. A small flashlight will be issued.

PPO must vow to love, train, care and nurture their dogs for the rest of the dog's life. PPO must accept that each and every dog is an individual which needs to live in a pack. PPO must vow to educate themselves about their breed of choice and the requirements expected. The
PPO must vow to purchase the puppy from a reputable rescue/shelter or breeder. The PPO will also conduct themselves and their dogs in a responsible manner securing liberties for the rest of the dog loving community.

Furthermore the PPO must manage to keep good humored and remember that for every insane,tough, bad moment, there will always be a hundred more good ones.

PPO must try to be the person their dog thinks they are.

Copyright Joy Henderson 1999. All rights reserved.

With many thanks to "CDX" of Acmepet for lending an ear
This Article Is Copyrighted By It's Author All Rights Reserved
May be reproduced for use on the Internet by Permission of
it's author with full credit given

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Winners Bitch Seeks Best Of Opposite Sex:

You know you've waited too long to find a mate when.....

-you think stripping is something you do to your terrier.

-you think nothing about loudly discussing studs and bitches in a fancy restaurant.

-when you talk with your friends about sex, you're discussing progesterone testing, vaginal cytology, and artificial insemination.

-you start seriously thinking about offering your dog at stud so that SOMEONE in the house is getting some action.

-the first thing you notice about a guy is what breed of dog he has.

-your biggest turn-off is a guy with an obnoxious untrained dog.

-you ever ruled out a guy as a prospective date based on what breed of dog he owns.

-you dismiss all of the guys that your mother introduces you to as "not breeding quality".

-you never could stick to a diet to impress a guy, but you can do it to cut 2 seconds from your time on the agility course.

-your only nice jewelry features either dogs, dumbbells, or rosettes.

-you think life would be so much easier if you just had yourself spayed.

-you have a video on how to artificially inseminate your dog but the last dirty video you watched was in high school.

-when you talk about "scoring", you mean how you did at last weekend's obedience trial.

-your dog has more letters after his name than the last ten guys you've dated, and actually completed obedience school.

-you start using operant conditioning techniques to get what you want from your boyfriend, and you won't let him read "Don't Shoot The Dog".

-you think that maybe your current guy has potential if you use the proper combination of positive reinforcement and the occasional well-timed ear pinch.

-you "people watch" at the mall by making mental lists of all of the conformational faults each bypasser has to contribute to the gene pool.

-you think that if you ever did marry and have children that you wouldn't have to buy a playpen because you already have an extra x-pen.

-you give all your married friends child rearing advice based on your extensive background in dog training.

-your mother's worst fear is that you'll have a child and make it wear a pinch collar.

-your mother's second worst fear is that you'll get married and your dog will be in the wedding party.

-you actually have friends whose dogs HAVE been part of the wedding party.

-when your cousin tells you how much her wedding costs, you think of how many show quality puppies that could buy you.

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Top 10 Reasons Shedding is a Good Thing
(From the dog's point of view, of course!)

1. Furballs can be gathered up to make life-size imaginary friends.
2. Easy to leave clear signs about which new furniture you prefer.
3. Love that brushing!
4. Visitors know right away that there is a dog in the house.
5. Another excuse to rub hard, really hard, against that couch over and over and over.
6. Let's go swimming again to loosen up that dead hair!
7. Fleas are confused by thick clumps of hair all over the house.
8. Lose 10 pounds while not giving up any snacks or doing any exercise.
9. Owner carries a little bit of you around all day.
10. People who don't like dogs don't visit anymore.

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