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Collected Dog Humor - List

Most of this was collected off the AcmePet Dog House Board. Original authors are mostly unknown, if you know who wrote something, please tell me! Credit is given when known.


Show Dogs Aren't Like Pets

Posted on Acme Pet by Bravehart on November 15, 1998 at 13:30:40:

Show dogs aren't like pets

Pets shed. . . . . . . . . Show dogs "blow coat"

Pets are in heat. . . . . .Show dogs come "into season"

Pets trot. . . . . . . . . Show dogs "gait" or "move"

Pets stand. . . . . . . . .Show dogs "stack"

Pets get baths. . . . . . .Show dogs are "groomed"

Pets beg for food. . . . . Show dogs "express desire for bait"

Pets jump the fence. . . . Obedience dogs "have natural jumping ability"

Pets poop. . . . . . . . . Obedience dogs "toilet"

Pets bark at other dogs. . Obedience dogs "show excitement before showing"

Pets chew up the trash. . .Obedience dogs "show a natural tendency for scent articles" 

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11 Reasons Why Dogs Don't Drive

Posted on Acme Pet by Sasha (great name) A. Dalmatian on August 06, 1998 at 02:24:00:

10. Keep wanting to fetch the 'stick shift'

9. Have not yet invented 'squished cat' hood ornaments

8. There's never a fire hydrant when you need one on those long road trips

7. Much more sophisticated to use a well-trained human chauffeur

6. They haven't invented a car where you can hang your head out the window and still reach the gas pedal

5. Can't get your learner's permit until you're 14! That's 98 in dog years!

4. Cats would just learn to use the pedestrian overpasses anyway.

3. No oposable thumbs mean we can't use the 'drive-up' banking machines

2. Saw that Herbie movie as a young pup and are still scared of cars

1. Could never ever live with the guilt of running over Uncle Rover while he was chasing the car! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Posted on Acme Pet by evy on August 06, 1998 at 03:26:00:

 it takes too long to get somewhere when you have to stop the car at every tree!! 

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How You Know Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dogs

Posted on Acme Pet by 4Paws on December 01, 1998 at 15:10:57:

The top 10 ways you know that Martha Stewart is stalking your dog:

10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from his/her collar.

9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.

8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.

6. That telltale lemon slice in his/her new silver water bowl.

5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of his/her crate.

2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted sweater with matching boots.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS...

1. The dog droppings in your back yard have been sculpted into swans.
 
 

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You Know You're A Dog Person When.....

Posted on Acme Pet by Jan M on December 10, 1998 at 14:22:13:

You know you are a Dog Person IF: 

1. You read a newspaper article by pieces in the front yard and don't think there's anything strange about doing this.

2. Your dog brings a dead bird/squirrel into the kitchen and generously gives it to you with a big smile. You say "For me? Thank you." and take it for granted it is just another day.

3. City officials come to your home and say "Your dogs are barking." And you can't figure out what the problem is.

4. You buy a $20.00 stuffed toy and within an hour you find toy stuffing all over the yard. You and the dogs bow your heads in silent prayer. 

5. You use your down payment for a new van to have cataract surgery on your old dog and drive the van you have for 3 more years. (What good is a new van if she can't see out the window?)

 6. You look at every poop in your yard before you pick it up making your neighbors think you are weird. (What is even better is the looks on their faces when you stuff the really fresh doodie into a plastic bag for safe keeping until you can get to the vet's.)

 7. You wake in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and your feet hit a wet spot. You look at the dog in bed with you and he looks at you like "Not me!...Must have been one of the other dogs."

 8. Your friends invite you to a fun night out at the dinner theater and you say no because you would rather be home grooming your dogs. Or the new subscription from a dog magazine came and you want to read it.

 9. And after 3 and a half hours of grooming you let that beautiful creature out to go potty before bedtime and he turns and looks back at you, all clean and pretty, he smiles a little smile that warms your heart so deeply that words can never say. A picture you will remember forever. When the dog comes back in you realize he has been rolling in the dead bird/squirrel you thought you carefully buried that morning.

 10. On your Christmas list to 'Santa' you only want crooks, whistles, jumps, doggie sweater, doggie 'gum ball machine', a place to have sheep, and oh yes, the sheep.

 11. On your 1040 form all your charitable donations are to Humane Societies, Shelters and Rescue groups.

 12. Last, but not least, you are on an email list with other dog people and each one of them feels like more than family.

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How Southerners pronounce breeds.

Posted on Acme Pet by Puppy Luv on August 09, 1998 at 03:59:55:

(It's a joke - don't take offense)

German Shepherd--Poh-leece Dawg

Poodle--Circus Dawg

St. Bernard--Thank Gawd, Here Comes the Whiskey Dawg

Doberman--Bad A** Dawg, or Dobimin Pincher

Beagle--Rabiit Dawg

Rottweiler--Bad A** and Mean As He** Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

Yellow Lab--Ol' Yeller Dawg

Black Lab--Duck Fetchin' Dog

Greyhound--Greased Lightnin' Dawg

Malinois--Another type of Poh-leece Dawg

Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.--Prized Coon Dawgs

Pekinese--Mop Dawgs

Chinese Crested--Nekkid Dawg

Dachsund--Wienie Dawg

Siberian Huskey--Sled Pullin' Dawg

Bouvier, Komodor--"What the He** Kinda Dawg is That?"

Great Dane, Mastiff--Danged BIG Dawg

And dog that raids the henhouse--Egg-sucking Dawg

And lazy dog--Good fer nothin' Dawg

And dog that's died and been buried--Best danged Dawg I ever had. 


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Virtual Fetch
By Buffalo Gal

NT Dog: Will fetch the stick in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Dog: It fetched the stick years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Dog: The dog looks a little different, but it's still the same old dog.

Microsoft Dog: (TM) It's already got the stick. And it just bought the forest.

Mac Dog: No reasonable dog owner would want a dog to fetch a stick, so there's no way to tell it to.

OOP Dog: It doesn't need to fetch the stick, it just sends a message.

Assembler Dog: First it builds the stick ...

C++ Dog: The dog wouldn't have to fetch the stick, you'd simply refer to it.

VB Dog: Stick!ToCarry.back (adog)

Java Dog: If your stick needs to be fetched by a dog, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are pupletts)

Web Dog: Dials in, grabs the stick, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Dog: Tried to get the stick, but got flattened by the Web Dog.

Hypertext Dog: Links you to the stick

Spam Dog: Automatically sends a copy of the stick to 50 unrelated newsgroups at the same time.

PlugIn Dog: Refuses to fetch the stick until you have downloaded yet another program.

Binary Dog: It's only 1's and 0's

Packet Dog: Brings the stick in chunks

Router Dog: Tells the Packet Dog where to take the stick

DOS Dog: The stick was not found. Keep looking? Y/N

Shockwave Dog: After an unbearably long wait, you get to see a swell movie of itself fetching the stick.

Mosaic Dog: Will fetch the stick to almost anybody

Netscape Dog: When it's not framed, the best d*mned retriever in the field.

ISDN Dog: Wanna see it again?

Listserv Dog: A copy of the stick has been delivered to all the recipients of the list {158}

Finger Dog: Will bring the stick directly to YOU.

Flame Dog: Gets the stick, chews it into little pieces, and then bites you.

IRC Dog:"Hi" 
FETCHES 
"Hello" 
"Is anybody here?"
THE
"I'm here"
STICK
"Hi"
BUT
"Hello"
NOBODY
"Gotta go"
CAN
"Bye"
"Goodbye"
FIND
"So long"
IT
"Is anybody here?"

Al Gore Dog: Waiting for completion of NFI (Nation Fetching Infrastructure) and will fetch as soon as it's finished, assuming he's elected and the Republicans don't gut the program.

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Crazy Crossbreeds

This joke is everywhere with many variations, so I have tried to combine the lists I've found. Many of these, but not all, are from Katzai's Dog Breed Page, and Monterey Memorial Park

Airedale x Malamute = Airmal, litters that go first class 

Airedale X Spaniel = Airel, a dog that brings in good TV reception 

Akita x Shiba Inu = SHIKITA, a bright yellow, banana shaped dog

Basenji X Schipperke = Baserke, a dog that's mad about its owner

Bloodhound X Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Bloodhound X Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Boxer X German Shorthair = Boxer Shorts, a dog never seen in public 

Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed 

Cairn Terrier x Jack Russell Terrier = Cairjack, can never find him when you have a flat tire 

Chihuahua X Whippet = Chiapet, order from TV ads; 3 for $19.95 

Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiler = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband 

Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work 

Collie X Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end 

Great Pyrenees X Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed 

Great Pyrenees x Jack Russell Terrier = Pyrajacks, don't bet on 'em

Harrier x Pit Bull = Hairy Pits, found throughout Europe 

Highland Terrier x Jack Russell Terrier = Hijack, gets you in trouble on airplanes 

Irish Water Spaniel X English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle 

Jack Russell Terrier x Labrador = Jackdor, falls out windows trying to fly 

Keeshond X Setter = Keester, you can't get this dog off its duff 

Kerry Blue Terrier X Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Kerry Blue Terrier X Bloodhound = Blueblood, a favorite with the upper crust in Society

Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists 

Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway 

Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Pekingese X Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog 

Pekingese X Dachshund = Peking Dach, owned by Chinese restranteurs

Pekinese x Rottweiler = Parrot, repeats everything you say 

Pointer X Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Poodle X Great Pyrenees = Poopyree, a dog that smells good 

Pyrenees x Akita = Pyrakita, a small brightly-colored South American dog that can be finger-trained, as well as trained to talk

Saluki x Shitzu = Suzuki, goes for miles on a gallon of gas 

Scotch Terrier x Water Spaniel = Scotch & Water, served throughout England (as opposed to watered scotch, served throughout the USA) 

Smooth Fox Terrier X Chow Chow = Smooch, a dog who loves to kiss 

Spaniel x Dachshund = Spandachs, in gyms everywhere 

Spitz X Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes 

Wiener Dog x Rottweiler = Bratweiler, a German dog found at the snack bars at sporting events

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A Royal Jam

Fergie (Ex-HRH, Duchess of York) was driving out and about on summer's day when suddenly one of the Queen's Corgies ran out in front of her car. Despite slamming on the breaks quick sharp, there was nothing she could do to stop the wheels crunching over the poor dog. She gets out of the car to take a look. Yes, the dog was dead.

"Darn!" she thought, "The Queen already dislikes me, now I've killed her dog - she'll hate me!" Suddenly her fairy godmother appeared beside her and comforted her. "There there, Fergie" she said "I can help cheer you up. I grant you one wish!"

"Ohhh! Wishes... ummmm" Fergie thought. "Well" she said finally "I just killed Queen's favorite Corgie, she'll hate me. Anyway you can bring him back to life, I can say I saved him! That'll get me in her good books!"

"Oh well, sorry" replied the fairy "But what's dead is dead, there's nothing I can do to correct that."

Fergie seemed sad... but she thought more and smiled.

"OK then please make me beautiful, glamorous and popular with the British people! Maybe I'll gain the Queen's respect that way!"

The fairy looked at Fergie, thought and frowned. "Let me see that dog again" she said.

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Arms Race

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if
they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog
fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world
and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the
world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed
his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers
and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get
near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up
with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way
that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and
slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and
leaped out of it's cage and charged the American Dachshund.

But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was
nothing left of the Russian dog but a stray bit of fur..

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
"'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the
world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

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Rules for Dogs Shows


1. Do not assume your dog is pretty enough to show. Just because you add ribbons to Homely's head does not make him a good show prospect.

2. Do not assume that a good judge can control Jaws. Be assured that your missing fingers are a sign that Jaws probably should not be shown.

3. Do not assume that your Chihuahua is the perfect size. His breeders don't call him Big Foot for nothing.

4. Do not assume that "leash trained" refers to how you act with a leash in your hand attached to Rebellion. It is generally accepted that the dog should follow you when you are holding a leash not that you should follow the dog.

5. Do not assume that the other competitors want your 150 pound dog, Moose's mouth all over their 8 pound dog, Teeny's head. This generally works to make quick enemies even though you let them know that your dog is just playing.

6. Do not assume that the other competitors want your long haired, testosteroned male Doberman, Heinz, on top of their champion female Doberman, Perfection, in the ring. Some people just don't want females bred in the ring.

7. Do not assume that Ol' One Eye is perfect except for his one, rather obvious, fault. Judges consider certain lack of features as being unacceptable for the show ring.

8. Do not assume that the stuff that Old Smelly should have dropped in the backyard that is still inadvertently hanging under his tail is to be left under his tail. Do not assume that it indicates a healthy digestive system and that the judge will give Old Smelly a ribbon. It is generally not a good idea to force a judge to lift your dog's tail because she feels there might be more than anticipated under there.

9. Do not assume that Frisky has the right to run across the entire set of rings during judging. Some people consider this a distraction.

10. Do not assume that the person who is showing in front of your dog, Overbearing, prefers that your dog's nose is under her dog, Skittery's tail while moving around the ring. Even if you cannot control Overbearing's desire to make friends with Skittery, it is in bad taste to allow this in the ring.

11. Do not assume that Susie Q is really a dog. If your "dog" might someday give birth, you might want to get clarification on which sex your "dog" actually is before you enter a show.

12. Do not assume that the show classes for Susie Q mean what you think they might mean. "Open" does not mean that Susie Q is bleeding profusely or that it is not pregnant."Puppy Dog" does not mean a little baby. It also does not mean a female. And "Bred by Exhibitor" well, please go to the AKC site to get
clarification. Few long time exhibitors are sure if their dogs qualify for that class.

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What I have Learned Showing Dogs

I've learned that if you wear gold lame shoes while showing your dog, no one
will remember the dog but they'll never forget your feet.

I've learned that everyone else looks like their dog, not me.

I've learned that the most attractive outfits, the ones that make you look
15 lbs. lighter and three inches taller, don't come with pockets.

I've learned that the words, "Congratulations, you have the better dog,"
doesn't sound anything like those words when you clench your teeth and
swallow your tongue as you say them.

I've learned that if the words, "Congratulations, you have the better dog,"
are said to you, they're never said loud enough.

I've learned that your dog's performance in the ring is directly related to
whether or not you have friends coming to watch you. Just how badly you and
your dog do has everything to do with how many witnesses are present to
watch you.

I've learned that there IS no graceful way to recover from a fall in the
ring when your dress flies over your head and catches on your front teeth.

I've learned that when you have a dog that's on a winning tear, you suddenly
have friends who are people you don't know.

I've learned that when you make a major mistake in the ring, clutching at
your chest and yelling, "It's the big one" doesn't fool anyone, least of all
your dog who only looks embarrassed.

I've learned that W.C.Fields had it right when he said to avoid working next
to children because they steal the show.

I've learned never to tell a judge they have food in their teeth,
particularly when they're examining your dog's bite.

I've learned that some judges have no sense of humor.

I've learned that large dogs make fools of people unused to showing a dog of
that size while toy dogs are quickly dispatched by people accustomed to
showing a far bigger dog.

I've learned that next to needlepoint stores, dog show vendors are the most
trusting when it comes to taking personal checks.

I've learned that picking up your own dog's waste with a skimpy paper towel
isn't as revolting as picking up someone else's dog waste with a front end
loader.

My dogs have learned that someone else's bait is always tastier than what I
give them.

I've learned that the very best parking spaces have orange cones saving them
for someone else.

I've learned that orange cones crush pretty easily.

I've found that the very best people - and the very worst - can be found in
our sport.

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Revised AKC Rules

Political Correctness has gone too far in our sport when:

1) The AKC dispenses with dog and bitch classes for being gender biased. Gender Neutral classes will make up the bulk of competition, which will also no longer include Veteran's Class, Puppy Class or 12-18 month classes as they smack of age discrimination.

2) First through fourth placements will no longer be offered since anything less than a first place may potentially damage self esteem. The judge will, instead, distribute amber colored ribbons to all participants, pat them on the back and tell them they all did a good job.

3) Free baiting will be strongly discouraged as it indicates an unfair economic advantage over dogs from socio-economically disadvantaged backgrounds where extra food may be at a premium.

4) Owners of dogs will no longer be referred to as "owners," since this suggests oppression of one species over another. Henceforth, 'owners' [sic] will come to be known as 'sapien partners.'

5) Professional Handling will be considered bourgeois as society comes to consider the blatant exchange of money for services to be tasteless and un-American. Handlers will offer their abilities gratis for 'the good of the world' and henceforth will be called "pattern facilitators."

6) Cross-breeding between breeds will be encouraged as society comes to value "dog-ness" over breed specificity. After all, who is anyone to determine that a poodle is preferable to a Irish Setter?

7) Since no one person is better than another, the concept of 'trained and/or qualified" judges will be obliterated. Anyone who likes dogs will be qualified to stand in a ring under the auspices of the AKC. The result is that dog shows can be held anytime, anywhere, since virtually anyone can distribute amber colored ribbons.

8) Litter registrations, breeding records, etc. will no longer be monitored or considered public record; after all, what a 'sapien partner' and their dog does with his or her personal life is none of anyone's business as long as s/he continues to do his/her job.

9) Obedience competition will have been overhauled since the idea of one species taking orders from another was deemed abhorrent. Instead, sapien partners and their dogs will enter the ring and their exercise might sound something like this: "Precious, let's sit, shall we? We'll do it together. Precious, how do you feel about that jump? Not today? Ok. Let's both go pick up that dumbbell."

10) Agility courses will be revamped to allow the inclusion of physically challenged dogs. Buggies and dollies will be provided to those participants unable to complete the course on foot.

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Heavenly Dog Show

One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the dog kennels watching the dogs laying around..

"I am certainly bored," stated John.

"Me too," Paul chimed in.

Peter stood and watched the dogs. "I know!" Peter began."Why don't we have a dog show?"

Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out.

"Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked.

The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer: "We will call up Satan and invite him to the dog show. I mean, we have all of the finest dogs here in heaven, all of the World and National Champions are here. His kennels are filled with the spoiled, difficult and mean dogs.

We are certain to win at the show!"

And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to their dog show. Satan laughed and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.

Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?" Peter asked.

"We have all of the National and World Champion dogs in our kennels in heaven. How could you possibly beat us?"

Satan paused a moment and then laughed: "Have you forgotten so soon. gentlemen? I have all the judges!"

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The Standard of the Breeder/Owner/Handler

GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS
The ideal is an energetic, far-sighted creature with the courage and perseverance of a hound and natural antipathy for losing. He should appear neither clumsy nor awkward, as a certain amount of speed and agility is essential while doing his thing. He is usually found in packs at dog shows.

HEAD
The width between the ears varies with wins and losses. Surmounted by a topknot of long or short hair, either flat, wavy or rather curly, on occasion may be thinning at the top or completely bald, but the latter is rare on the female. The male is sometimes bearded - again this is rare on the female but not unheard of.

NOSE
A pinkish tinge during the summer months. This should not be penalized on an otherwise first-class specimen.

EARS
In proportion to the head. Ability to listen while in the company of elder and wiser breeders is to be greatly desired.

MOUTH
Large enough to put a foot in. A slight bulge in the jaw denotes liver bait.

BODY
Short -coupled variety, usually plump and well padded in hindquarters, flabbiness to be penalized. Long-coupled variety, lean and sinewy.

Extra
size being no disadvantage in either variety provided it does not interfere with freedom of action.

SHOULDERS
Never drooping. Broad enough for slapping or crying on.

BACK
Muscular and strong - however, occasional stiffness due to leaning over large dogs or crouching behind small dogs is permissible.

CHEST
Room for plenty of heart.

FOREARMS
Flexible and well- muscled, caused by lifting crates, putting up tents, carrying dogs and much grooming.

HANDS
A working specimen will have short chewed nails - signs of length or loss shall be penalized accordingly.

LEGS AND FEET
Very muscular and flexible. Endurance is not of great importance. Knees well bent and pitted by small stones from kneeling outdoors.

COLOR
Immaterial. Green color denoting envy or red color denoting rage is a disqualification.

TEMPERAMENT
Aloof and dignified, even elegant while working. A cheerful, spirited and tractable disposition desired when in the company of the pack. Shyness among strangers is not considered a fault, however, rumor mongering and viciousness in any degree is a disqualification.

GENERAL FAULTS
Over grooming, tardiness in arriving for class, bad sportsmanship and backbiting.

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The Dog Breeder's Husband

I'm just a dog breeder's husband I no longer rule my domain.
Even if kindly invited from opinions I wisely refrain.
I'm just a glorified kennel boy of minor importance I know.
It seems my primary function Is merely providing the dough.

Now dog breeding's not inexpensive, as you all no doubt are aware.
But the problem's not so much the money, as the bustle, the wear and the tear
Having studied the layback of shoulder, and becoming an expert on feet,
I still have not learned to give worm pills or how much the puppy should eat.

My spouse will spend hours grooming her Bred By Exhibitor bitch.
But when it comes to scratching my back, her thought is to let the thing itch.
Some day I hope that my wife'll take me wondering to some foreign vale,
Instead of inspecting the stifle of some Special stud at Hinsdale.

Off in a crowded motel room, after the dog show is o'er,
Someone questions the judges decision while they reach for another drink more.
It appears that his eyesight is failing, his errors in judgement immense.
In fact if I did not know better you'd doubt if he had any sense

One finds that the amateur's bungling no match for professional skills,
A handler can hide what the owner admits as he tries hard his conscience to still.
The din and the utter confusion of everyone talking at once,
Leaves one weary, hoarse and irascible and the next day a bleary eyed dunce.

Sometimes late in the evening I'm asked if I do not agree,
That Pottowattamie's Bridget Is somewhat out at the knee.
But before I can answer the question I find my answer ignored,
For some inexplicable reason my questioner's suddenly bored.

I'm only a dog breeders husband, not that I mean to complain,
But I find certain aspects amazing when I aspire my role to explain.
I know at least where I am going I'm rapidly going to seed,
But I've learned about Winner's Bitches, I married the Best of the Breed.

author unknown

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Dog Show Terminology

ANGULATION - Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress the judges.

BALANCE - How to arrange the checkbook so your husband won't know how much money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom with the door locked.

BITCH - A. Name for a lady dog. B. name often overheard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.

COAT - The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.

DAM - A. A lady dog with children. B. Expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.

ELBOW - Method of getting to ringside when late.

EXPRESSION - "Sweet" look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.

FANCIER - Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.

FEATHERING - What winners are accused of doing to judges' nests.

FRONT - Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring.

HEEL - A. you feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice.
B. Expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.

HEIGHT - As in "Maximum Allowed", a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 of an inch.

HOCK - A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewelry such as wedding rings.

KENNEL - Where you go when the kids fight and your husband yells at you.

LITTER - Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.

MASK - What to wear when you have to show the pet you sold six months ago.

MUZZLE - What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night.

NOSEPRINTS - Cute marks left all over your French doors.

OUTCROSSING - What your husband tells the minister you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch.

POINTS - Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.

PUPPIES - Small, doglike food-processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies. (These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with a leaky system, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts).

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EXCUSES EXCUSES

I cannot train my dog today,
the sky is overcast and gray,
the air's too damp. I've got a cramp,
and the dog's just eaten anyway.

Can't find the leash, got home too late,
I'm due somewhere tonight at eight.
I've got a rash, a gash, and bumps.
Too tired now to get the jumps.

Traffic's made me tense and strained.
I have to lose this weight I've gained.
How can we work
When it's just rained?

The dog's too hyper. My mood is blue,
I must be coming down with the flu,
I cough, I sneeze, and wheeze and choke.
Darn! My only dumbbell broke!

Too cold outside -- my feet are numb.
There's a sliver in my thumb.
The house needs cleaning -- it's a sight.
I'm working overtime tonight.

I need a nap. Had company.
Lawrence Welk is on t.v.
My toe is sore -- it might be gout.
I think my hair is falling out.

I ate too much. My day's been rough.
I think my dog has had enough
of this daily training grind,
we need some time off to unwind.

(author unknown)

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Obedience Excuses From the Dog


I've got a headache

I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you

I never heard that command before today

My handler is having an off day

You want me to jump how high?

Let's sit the handlers in the sun for 3 minutes and we'll hide in the
shade

But I told her/him I had to go for a walk

People with clipboards make me nervous

My handler was standing on my tail

Mother told me there would be days like this, she went to obedience trials too

Does O.T.CH. stand for "Our turn chumps?"

Cats don't have to do obedience, they still get fed

If you wanted the dumbbell, why did you throw it away?

My handler doesn't like to work when its too hot or cold

Even when handlers flunk, they still blame the dogs

If you think that last exercise was creative, watch the next one

So you signed the check and mailed the entries Ha, Ha!

Whether they win or lose, dogs are always good sports

My handler is ring wise. She knows she can't correct me

My handler doesn't know his right from his left

If handlers are so smart, why can't they do scent discrimination?

Dogs need two left feet, handlers should only have one

My handler get bored heeling, so I never get to practice

You'd think by now she'd know how to throw the dumbbell

The devil made me do it

 

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The Obedience Ring and Satan


Satan entered a large building where a dog show was being held. Everyone, upon seeing the devil, ran screaming from the building. The only person left inside was a gray headed gentleman seated down by the obedience ring.

The evil incarnate spoke to the man saying "Do you know who I am?"

"Sure do" was the old man's reply.

Hearing that there was no fear in his voice, the devil asked "Do you know I could destroy you with a word?"

"Possible" stated the Old Timer.

Becoming quite perturbed at the total lack of terror, the devil screamed, "I COULD BANISH YOU TO HELL FOR ETERNITY OLD MAN, WHY DO YOU NOT FEAR ME?????"

Unshaken, the man replied "I've shown dogs for forty years, I've gotten obedience titles on no less than a dozen dogs. I'm pretty sure that at least three of them were your children."

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